Perfect Disaster

"Johnny!" I run faster, long legs gliding through the humid air.  But I can't find him.  "Johnny!  Johnny!"

The sky is dark and immense, like God broke a pen and tainted the sky with the thick black ink.  The clouds are foreboding, twisting and curling around each other as a crack of brilliantly white lightning flashes above me, illuminating everything in my path for just a second.  It only takes a heartbeat before the furious roar of thunder follows behind, so loud that I can't help but to flinch.

I can't help but to imagine what it's like for him right now.

Johnny, the man I'm desperately in love with, suffers from an irrational but intense phobia of thunder.  Still, I'll never be good enough for him.

I love him for his steadfast independence, so strong that he doesn't need support from anyone, yet he always has the strength to lend to everyone around him.  Thunderstorms are the only time he'll let his guard down and allow people close.  I love him for his bluntness, how he always gets to the core of anything and say exactly what needs to be said.  I love him for being him, so fucking perfect in everything he does.  Though it's not like I'll ever be able to tell him.

The rain begins to pelt down even harder, plastering my raven hair to my forehead as the droplets pound and sting my skin.

What could he possibly love about me?  I honestly can't think of a single thing.  Before I met him and his friends, all I had was myself.  I didn't care about anyone and didn't bother trying to win affection from anyone.  I was accepting of my situation and just didn't give a fuck about what the rest of the world thought about me.  I was in my own little bubble without a friend to call my own.  When I met Johnny, my bubble extended just a bit, just enough to let him in.  I never knew I'd fall in love with someone so perfect.  How do you get someone to love you back?

When I first heard the distant rumble of thunder, I was in the car with Brian after a day of hanging out with our favourite bassist.  We'd left Johnny there after our jam session, amused by his reassurance that he would enjoy the solitude after we left.   Then came the storm.  I instantly ordered Brian to stop the car and, before it had even stopped moving, jumped out.  After almost knocking myself out on the frame of the door, I began to run.

My father once told me I could be hot-headed and impulsive.  I think I can see why he said that now.

I never learned to control my emotions and think things through.  I've always just done what I thought I should as soon as the thought popped into my skull.  If I had thought it out, it might have occurred to me that I could have begged Brian to drive us back to his house instead of impulsively deciding to sprint the 4 miles back.  I try to change, to be calmer and more thoughtful, but it's so hard to change what has already been engrained in your very being.

That thought, that one word pounds painfully in my head like the thunder roaring around me.  Change.  I know I'm maturing.  I'm constantly attempting to prove to the world that I'm a single, independent person who doesn't need to lean on anyone else, just like Johnny.  I'm trying to act more caring and considerate to people, more like a gentleman when the situation requires it, trying to exercise my barely-there restraint to make some stupid joke.  But I'm still miles behind everyone else.  One rumble of the fucking thunder and I'm off and running like a madman, desperately searching for him, all maturity lost.

Change.   Change.

"Johnny!" I can barely breathe, never mind shout.  My exhausted voice comes out raspy and forced, using up air that I just don't have.  I try to draw in hissing gasps through tightly clenched teeth, but I can't get enough oxygen to make my voice normal again.  My coiled, tense muscles are practically screaming, agonised and deprived of the energy to make them move.  But I can't stop running.  I just can't.  I love him so much, so much so that all I can do is run.

Now that I know I love him, I'm trying to catch up to everyone else so that maybe, just maybe, he'll see something in me that's worth loving.  But I can't find anything in me that's worth his time.  I'm so flawed and he's so perfect.  No one ever falls in love with the underdog.

I finally reach Johnny's block.  Without breaking my stride at all, I sprint up the drive way to his front porch, almost losing my footing several times on the slippery walkway.  I only pause when I'm finally outside his door.  Instantly, utter exhaustion floods my system and all I can do is collapse against the damp brick, trying in vain to gulp down as much humid air as I can.  My vision flickers and dances as the rain continues to pound against my body.

"Jo..Johnny..."  There's no way he can hear me over the rain and gasps for air but I stutter his name anyway.  Suddenly, the night flashes as a bolt of lightning shoots from the sky and a dark roar fills my eardrums.  I can feel my face drain of blood as I hear a muffled yelp from behind the closed door and I get angry at myself.  Who the fuck cares if I'm utterly drained, Johnny needs me in there.  Taking a deep breath of air, I shakily begin to bang my fist against the door.

"Johnny..!  Johnny!"  There's no response.  The thunder rumbles again and I desperately begin slamming the door with both palms when I make out a small scream.

"Johnny, open the fucking door!"  A roar of thunder overwhelms my frantic shouting and my plea falls upon deaf ears; I bite my lip in angry anxiety, glaring at the thick wood of the door as my fist bangs against it yet again.  There's another crash of thunder and I hear a sudden bang from inside as something falls and hits the floor hard; my heart clenches painfully.

There's a small grace in being so immature, I'm amazingly and childishly stubborn.  Even if I know it's getting me nowhere and my pride is screaming at me to back down before I make a fool of myself, I can't help but need to go for it.  I need to keep fighting for him because if I don't.. I don't know what else to do.  I'll never be able to stop running for him.

Impulsive and stupid, I ready my shoulder and take a few confident steps backwards.  Then, with a final yell of his name, I charge forward.  And the door disappears.  I've got too much momentum to stop myself and I fly through the now open doorway.  I trip on a shoe in my path and end up sprawled over the floor, my chin hitting the hardwood hard, instantly knocking a string of colourful language from my mouth.

"Ah.. S-sorry Jimmy."  

Jumping at the sound of his voice, so faint and shuddery with fear, I clumsily flip around, needing to see him.  My Johnny.  He's behind the door, one gentle hand clutching the handle as he stares at me apologetically.  He looks so afraid.  His knuckles are going white on the handle because he's holding it so desperately, like it's the only thing keeping him up.  His beautiful, amazingly expressive brown eyes are red-rimmed with tears.  It's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

I hastily scramble up and run over to him.  Without thinking, I grab his trembling shoulders and pull his frail body firmly towards me.  He falls against my chest and I wrap my arms tightly around him, kicking the door closed as an afterthought.  Another rumble of thunder shakes the room and I hold him tighter, pressing my wet cheek against his perfectly soft hair.  Despite faint complaints that I'm getting him wet, he clutches my shirt like a toddler and buries his face in my chest.  The only thought in my head is that I want to stay here, holding him forever; even if the only reason he's this close to me is the thunder.

I hold him closer and glance around as the thunder booms again; the storm is definitely getting worse and I suddenly realize that, despite sprinting all the way here, I have no idea how to help.  I desperately search my memories for something he's said or done referring to being comfortable, finally pulling up a conversation from so many months ago.  Didn't Johnny like small spaces?  He liked sleeping in the tour bus because he loved the isolation of the bunks.  Suddenly motivated, I scoop up his surprisingly light body and hold him bridal-style.  

"Jimmy, what the fuck are you doing?"  He asks with a small frown, obviously not affected by my impulsive attempt at being chivalrous.  I can't help but to smile; terrified or not, Johnny is always Johnny.

"You'll see in a second.." I grumble quietly, silently thanking the heavens that the lights are off so he can't see the heated blush dusting my cheeks.  He opens his mouth to retort but seems to change his mind, mouth closing wordlessly as I carry him across the house.  Coming to my genius destination, I awkwardly try to open the door, ignoring Johnny's perplexed look.

"Why are you opening my closet?" He asks, voice louder now as he looks at me curiously, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"You like hiding in small places, don't you?  Where else is there?"  I say, trying to sound confident even though I'm getting increasingly flustered as I attempt to manoeuvre into his closet.  I try to find a place on the floor that's remotely comfortable while throwing an arm around him and shuffling against the door so it closes slightly.  I pull him to my side as I fidget; it was just so fucking cramped.  How could this possibly be comforting?

Suddenly I hear a strange yet wonderful noise, so out of place in this dark and confined space.  A beautiful sound coming from Johnny.

"Are you seriously laughing?!"  He could only reply with louder chuckles.  Here I am, trying my best to be kind and considerate, and he just sits there and laughs his ass off.  What the hell does he want me to do?  Even when another rumble of thunder sounds, despite cringing slightly and letting a few tears of fear roll down his porcelain cheeks, he just keeps giggling uncontrollably as if I've done the funniest thing in the world.  "Why are you laughing at me?  I'm trying to help you!"

"You.. I can't believe you just.. the closet?  Really!?"  He chuckles, shakily rubbing the remnants of tears from his face before looking up at me with amusement.  "Jimmy, why are we sitting in my closet again?"

"Because you find it comforting," I reply, flushing in embarrassment and confusion.

"I do?"

"Yes, you do.  Now be comforted, damn it."  He raises an amused eyebrow but before he can retort back, the thunder reminds us of it's presence with a menacing clap.  Despite it being more distant than the last, Johnny is caught off guard and jumps wildly in panic.  I hurriedly do the first thing that comes to mind and tighten my hold on him, ensuring he can feel my arms around him.  And for some reason, he relaxes into my body instead of pursuing the subject and, shaking from the aftermath of the thunder, leans his head against my chest.  

Oh my God.  I have no idea what to do.  Flustered, I merely lean my cheek on the soft tufts of his hair, breathing in his subtle scent.  I love him.  I'll change whatever I need to change, I'll grow up until I'm practically unrecognizable if that'll get him to see me.  I just want him to love me, it sounds selfish but I do.  I want that a million times more than anything else in the entire world.  The raindrops hit the roof hard, in time with the internal plea that beats a steady rhythm inside my skull.  I want him to love me so bad.

Johnny quietly speaks, his beautiful eyes locking onto mine.  "Jimmy, thank you."  There's a long pause as I glance at him confused.  "Thank you for running back for me.  Thank you for waiting so long at the door, even when I couldn't open it.  Thank you for being here with me."  I don't know what to say.  Is he honestly thanking me for all the immature qualities I need to change?  My heart instantly burns and squeezes painfully until it's longing intensity simply fills my body and halts my breathing; all I know to do is hold him tighter against my side.

"Thank you for being you," he finishes, breath fanning across my bare, goose bumped arms.  I don't know whether to cry with confusion and happiness or to kiss him with all the love in my heart.  I opt to do neither, instead, inhaling his unique scent.  Whether it be from the moment or just because I couldn't hold it in anymore, I whisper a confession against the soft locks of hair tickling my face.

"No one likes me for me.  You'll never love me for me, I'm flawed and you're perfect."  The thunder sounds in the distance but Johnny barely flinches.  He shifts in my arms until we're face to face.  His eyes, though still bloodshot from crying, are serious and filled with an unrecognizable emotion.

"Everyone likes you for you, that's the best person you can be.  You are great the way you are.  Don't you ever, ever, change.  Change takes away all the beauty that's inside your heart.  I love you because you're flawed, because of your childishness and your pride.  I love you because you're impulsive and stubborn as an ox.  I love you Jimmy, for everything you are."

"Johnny," it's the only sound I can get past my lips, and even then it's barely more than a light whoosh of air.

"And does it look like I'm perfect?  I'm fucking terrified of thunder, I'm so pathetically scared that all I can do is huddle up and cry.  I was too proud and stubborn to ask you to stay here when I knew there was a thunderstorm coming, I didn't want you to see me like this."  He took a shuddery breath.  A clap of thunder sounded in the distance but he didn't notice it, his attention was solely on me.  "We're all flawed in some way Jimmy, that's what makes us human."

"Johnny."  A feeling of euphoria was creeping up my body with every word out of his beautiful mouth.  I don't know how much longer my weak heart can stand this, can hold in the utter love before it explodes messily in my chest.

"I love you so much, flaws included.  I would have had to endure this storm alone if it weren't for your stubbornness, your impulsiveness. I bet you think I'm pretty pathetic, huh?"

I can almost feel how vulnerable he is, see just how fragile he can be.  And I adore it.  I want to protect him with my life, to be the one he can lean on when he needs it.  I look into those liquid amber eyes, flecked with just a hint of gold and a lot of love.  My spine tingles with shivers as I realize something.  This is my moment.  This is my time to take charge and make those tears disappear.

"Never." I whisper quietly, raising my hand and slowly tracing the gentle curves of his face.  Instead of protesting, he whines softly and moves impossibly closer, tilting his head up to receive more.  My fingertips travel down his cheek and neck before moving back up to ghost against his perfectly parted lips.  Johnny shudders and lets out a quiet moan at my touch.  I honestly can't take the teasing anymore.  As if he just knows, his delicate eyelids flutter closed and his eyelashes sweep up against his porcelain cheeks.  And with a breathy sigh I throw all caution to the wind and do what I've been waiting 3 years to do.  Kiss him.  

I tangle my hand in his silky locks of hair and gently pull him forward, effectively connecting our lips.  The instant our lips touch, my entire world melts away and gets a million times brighter at the same time.  It's like New Years in my body with all the nerves exploding and short circuiting.  His lips are so soft; it's complete ecstasy.  This is the moment I've been waiting for and it's exceeding even my highest expectations.  He is so perfect.  Johnny sighs against my mouth, relaxing further with my touch.  He doesn't pull away or slap me like I had always thought he would.  Instead, he kisses me back gently and lovingly, caressing my lips with his own.

He pulls away just slightly, enough to cease our kiss but keep our lips just breaths-lengths away.  I open my eyes, light headed, and look directly into his sparkling eyes staring longingly into my own.

"I love you," I whisper, watching with satisfaction when he shivers just a bit when my breath fans over his face.

"I love you too," he replies with a slight smile.  He smiles even more when I connect our lips again, unable to stay away for long.  

When we finally separate, I'm breathless and deliriously happy.  He snuggles up to my side and lays on my chest, sighing in contentment as I run my fingertips over his bare arms.  I can't remember ever feeling this happy, this whole.  I may be impulsive, stubborn, and incredibly stupid at times, but as long as Johnny loves me.. maybe I don't have to change.  Maybe I can be the person that he sees in me, the person that he loves.  A distant rumble of thunder sounds, but Johnny doesn't even flinch.  Instead, he looks up at me and twitches the corner of his lip up in a slight smirk.

"I'm not afraid when I'm with you."  And that's all it takes for my heart to start beating a mile a minute again.  I sweep his lips up in a sweet and gentle kiss and hold his body close.  Yes, maybe I can learn to love me for me.


I can be your perfect disaster, you can be my ever after.